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2010-08-31

I lurve Madras :)

Coz here;
  1. The roads are shitty, immaterial of how much taxes you pay.
  2. The rain water drain system, 'clogs' the water better than it 'drains'.
  3. Morons behind you think you can fly over the traffic ahead of you, and keep insisting so by honking constantly.
  4. Arseholes love driving in the wrong direction, blocking the oncoming traffic.
  5. Public transport buses do not understand the concept of a multi-lane road where they've to pull over to the left most lane to stop at a bus-stop. They 'shit' people in the middle of the roads like buffaloes.
  6. 'Educated' four-wheelers 'in suit' cannot see that the signal has turned from green to orange and that it will soon turn to red. They strongly believe that its your mistake cos you stopped at the signal. They even threaten that they'll sue your for it.
  7. Idiots in bikes and even cars and (OMG) even buses and (OMG OMG) even those creepy crawly double long buses, think their braking distance is less than 2 feet at 60+KMpH.
  8. Everybody's watches are 5 seconds ahead. When the traffic signal countdown says 5, they want to be in the middle of the road.
  9. Traffic cops understand very clearly that, an office going fellow who is not wearing a helmet CAN pay fines (unbilled/unaccounted of-course), unlike the semi-clad doofus driving triples at 80KMpHm winding through bumper-to-bumper traffic. He is not violating any rules BTW. You, who wanted to feel that air rush past your hair and face, definitely violated a dozen rules.
  10. Our master traffic-planners spend 300+ crores on an overhead bridge that causes more pain than gain. To the extent, people prefer to take the three feet wide subway.
  11. Dynasty members name every alternate street by their names. We have atleast a dozen "Kalaignar Karunanidhi Street"s in the city (sorry, village) apart from the 'nagars', 'avenues', 'boulevards', 'parks', 'streams', 'sub-ways', 'over-ways', 'public toilets', etc. in the same name.
  12. An auto-rickshaw driver will laugh on your face for asking him to turn on the meter.
  13. Cycles are only for the health-conscious and fitness-freaks. Kids get their own scooters/bikes to go to school. Getting a license to drive, though, is difficult. One got to be 18+.
  14. Parents drop their kids at school in their cars every morning, creating a traffic jam in front of every big school. Sending kids to school in a school bus is for the under-privileged/below-poverty-line people you see.
  15. Smoking, in government run Tasmac bars is cool, while in privately run pubs its against the law.
  16. Non-AC maruthi 800 cars have spoilers, alloys, external-speakers, external-woofers, turbo-sound mufflers, nitro boosts and the works.
  17. Mini skirts on silver screen are greeted with applause while the same on the street are greeted with rotten eggs.
  18. If you ask a girl out for coffee, she thinks you want to sleep with her.
  19. Asking a girl out is looked upon as a bigger sin than doing the usual road-side-romeo thing (you know, the whistle, the comments, the stare, the tongue out, the public shag, etc..).
  20. Women stare, and stARE, and STARE, but when you walk up to talk.. they turn 90+ degrees away and treat you like shit.
  21. Tees/Jeans not having glittery drawings, fake-fade that look like tiger stripes, fasteners hanging all around, multiple colors, etc. are not in fashion anymore.
  22. People dress up to go to a coffee-shop.
  23. A western fast-food joint is treated like a fine-dining restaurant.
  24. You could be given a butter-knife to cut a steak.
  25. You can have five espressos in a row and each of them taste different. Once, the waitress at Adyar Coffee Day, gave me a large-cappuccino cup filled to the brim, claiming it was 'two shots' of espresso.
  26. People prove that they have faith in their respective religions by blaring their silly religious songs on loud speaker in the entire locality. Some insecure-fools go to the extent of even screaming prayers on loud speaker.
  27. You would pay for a penthouse and live in a hut.
  28. One asks for a 'scotch'. Not a Glen Morangie, not a Black Label, but a 'scotch'.
  29. People think they can mix better than the original composer and screw around with the Equalizer like they know something.
  30. Smart people pay for the dumb-asses, by way of taxes. ('survival of the fittest'? whats that?). But that does not make the smart-people the master of the dumb-asses. Its the reverse actually.
  31. Every moron who finishes a dumb computer course in NIIT thinks he can program.
  32. It is cooler, to have a tattoo that you have no idea about, than one that you know and feel about.
  33. There are people who think humping the air 90% of the time is better dancing than jiving (oh, I have two left feet BTW).
  34. Indian toddy is illegal, Western toddy is illegal, 'Indian made western toddy' IS legal :)
  35. A 'chroot' is not considered as an 'indigenous inidian cigar'.
  36. An uneducated 'genius' can give gyan to an educated 'fool'.
  37. People shit in the beach, eat in the beach, make love in the beach.
Oh, no no.., dont get me wrong. I really do love this village.. er. city. BTW. Sigh!

5 comments:

L.Guruprasad said...

Just a month of life at Bangalore, i'm having similar opinions about yet another village here, except for the part about smoking, booze and girls.:-):-P

அழகு செல்வன்,S.P said...

Super awesome Joe :D
My best picks are,

# Public transport buses do not understand the concept of a multi-lane road where they've to pull over to the left most lane to stop at a bus-stop. They 'shit' people in the middle of the roads like buffaloes.

# Everybody's watches are 5 seconds ahead. When the traffic signal countdown says 5, they want to be in the middle of the road.

# Smoking, in government run Tasmac bars is cool, while in privately run pubs its against the law.

# Non-AC maruthi 800 cars have spoilers, alloys, external-speakers, external-woofers, turbo-sound mufflers, nitro boosts and the works.

# Women stare, and stARE, and STARE, but when you walk up to talk.. they turn 90+ degrees away and treat you like shit.

# Every moron who finishes a dumb computer course in NIIT thinks he can program.

# Indian toddy is illegal, Western toddy is illegal, 'Indian made western toddy' IS legal :)

Joe Steeve said...

@guru: Well, I am not comparing with any other city.. I am just grumbling :P

Joe Steeve said...

@azhaguselvan: Thanks man. :)

Christopher J said...

Awesome Bro!!!